savageisgod

Another day in the life of a fugitive....

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 04:46:50 GMT

So i was walking along the other day and a kid drove by and gave me a thumbs up...what the hell does that mean? Im "ok"...average if u will? I didnt get a wave or any other normal salutes...i got a fucking thumbs up...i guess you could say thats old school, but to me its more like a "good job" on a test or quiz. Not a "great job" just a "good job" like ya your normal or average, nothing more. Wow i would hate to get a thumbs up after sex...anyone with me? Other things aside...ive decided to take a couple days off from drinking because i finally had a night for the record books...
Friday night started off great...how great...try scorpion bowls with a lady. Thats right i went out with a girl, no gun point needed (point me). I had enough to kill a village, but instead came back to my pad only to get hit by my roommate hard enough to make me bleed. Now everyone knows i like a good brawl every now and then...but im not about bloodshed...im about instigating. I like pushing peoples buttons when im drunk cause i like to see how easily people snap. Trust me they dont call it funnel fight club for nothing! Anyways i got hit and it sucked, i spit up blood for a little then decided to walk my friends home after blatently being embarrased infront of...thank you raf. So then, in the middle of my defeat i decide to go to my second home...the funnel. There i took part in binge drinking and foreplay in the form of behruit and flip cup...only to leave me with blue balls and a walk back to miles. So my boy josh and i went for a stroll and beat boxed the entire way back...that kid is like whoa when it comes to that shit. I got back and got a call from a friend in waterford village and decided that 2:30 wasnt bed time yet and found myself wandering over to her apt. We played fuck the dealer for quite sometime and i consumed yet another couple of beauty enhancing beverages. The drunker i get the better i look, ha. Then 3:30 came about and people were ready to pass out so i decided that a cigarette and a walk was in order. So instead of crashing on the couch, i walked home...or at least towards home. I got as far as the dumpster before i needed to pee. So i did, while noticing a street light off in the distance. Heres the catch...i decided that a path through the woods would be a much better idea then say...a sidewalk. So i started my decent into the dark. I took a couple forks only to find a fucking dead end. Yep, exactly what i was thinking. So i turned around and headed the other way only to find the biggest fucking marsh ive ever seen...and im from Marshfield. SO i decided this looks like a horror movie scene and start to turn to leave when...BOOM! I drop my cell phone!...oh and shit myself at the same time. I search for 45 mins for that goddamn cancer producing machine. The only way i find it was because the low battery beeping every 5 mins. At this point ive had enough of mother nature and her twisted humor so i bolt out of the woods. I mean i ran like a kenyan in the marathon. I finally emerged from the woods and found my way back to my apt. I was covered in dirt, mud, blood and sweat. My arms are still all cut up and hurt very much. But im just glad that the cops didnt find me covered in blood emerging from the woods...especially with the rapist around...that would have been funny...oh wait no it wouldnt! I already look like a pedofile, lets not add rapist to the list shall we. So that is why im not drinking for a while. Even though i did get to see the sun set and it was beautiful.
On saturday i skipped work and slept for most of the day. I enjoyed it but the cuts still killed and the process to clean my new shoes was a pain but ended in success. My jeans were ripped numerous times and my shirt filled with those prickly things that suck. On saturday night i went to the movies with the same lucky lady that went for scorpion bowls, shes a good friend and i enjoy her company fully. Exorcism of Emily Rose was really good and quite creepy. Then sunday i smoked after cleaning my room and doing laundry. I was pretty high since i hadnt smoked since thursday. Im done for now...quite tired from being fat and lazy. Let me know who reads this cause if enough people do then ill write more often cause i do enjoy it. Im thinking about writing a book actually based on my life but with anothers name and such. I have enough stories to write for a while. Just let me know....MOSSE!

My life for the taking

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 05:11:42 GMT

"I know what you’re thinking
I know I did you wrong
But I just got this feeling
Baby please hold on
The way we used to dance
When we forgot the steps
And we lost our balance
Now I drink to forget" ~ 311 "whiskey and wine" (Dont tread on me album)

Every now and then people just have one of those days where no matter what anyone does or says, it just makes you wanna die. Today was one of those days for me. Yet, sometimes all we need is just someone to listen to us vent. Thanks chuck for letting me vent. Yes, this entry is not of the laughing kind...but i promise ill give you some details on my summer at the funnel..or as i like to call it "The Summer of Alcoholism".
As this summer progressed I started listening to the band 311 on more of a religious level. You probably think its because i smoke pot...but you are mistaken. It is because they are the only band in this era of shitty music that stay positive about life and where it goes. Trust me, i needed it this summer. As the days go by, it seems to me that the fact of not having a girlfriend, or more importantly just someone in your life has just been rubbed in my face. Its no one's fault, obviously, but its just the little things that kill me. The fact that people have places to go and things to do with others that care for them. Like roommates breaking plans because their significant others are coming over, or how people put the words i love you in their away messages ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Dont get me wrong, if i had someone I would probably do it as well, but i dont so it gets to me. But the reason I speak of this is because it has been over two years since my last real relationship and it didnt end very well. I put time and effort into this relationship like you have no idea...who knows if it showed or not...but when its all said and done this is what I have to remember it by...

"I wish i could have a magic potion that makes me forget all the past hurt. I wonder why it is so fucking easy for him to move on but then i realize two things: 1)He is a junkie and junkies are masters of memory loss and 2) he wasnt hurt. To him, our relationship was... an adventure. I cant blame him. Broken home, psychotic parents, troubled brother... tough life. But I still wonder if late at night, he goes through his actions and wonders if what he did was right?"

This was written in my ex-girlfriends livejournal soon after we broke up...Im sure ill get crap somehow by putting this in here, but i thought it was about time everyone knows why Im so against relationships...or at least I was. Now i miss it. Practically everyone i know is in a relationship, except for my buddies who smoke and drink on a daily basis...hence the reason why i do what i do. Just take a second and read it again...ill wait. Now i prey that I will find someone who can keep my attention. Cause thats all a relationship really is, is just someone who can keep our attention. Whether it be from drugs, drinking, other women. Funny, how the only girls who find me the least bit attractive are the ones who already have boyfriends...and that just makes me feel worse.
I thought it was just about looks or appearance. Almost two years ago I decided to lose some weight and by some weight I mean over 100 lbs. Yeah, it was tough, but i longed for the attention I never got in high school. The fucking fat ass of our class. That wasnt it though, so now im back to the drawing board. I guess ill just stick with my sense of humor. I see people from high school now and they dont even recognize me, which is kinda good i guess.
So today was one of those days, yet its like i seem to just start over after having one of those days. I realize today that i do have a drinking problem. Is is from the lack of others love, my drugged out brother who might be going to jail, my step-mom having breast cancer, the fact i have no clue what i wanna do with my life...or a combination of all these...who knows. I sure dont. But if i know one thing its that i dont wanna end up like my father...the alcholic for my entire grade school life. I think im starting to follow that track and ill do anything to stop it. So, im going to try my best not to drink as much as i do...but this just means ill have to step it up when i do drink...booya! Now onto the other stain in my life...mary jane...the one woman in my life that puts out regularly. Shes been good to me, always there when i need her, but im starting to think that this relationship is turning abusive. And i need out. I want others to respect me and not have the stigmata of being a "pothead". At least a productive pothead would be a better label. It seems that no girls like a guy who smokes...why i have no clue because I have more to offer girls than most of the douche bags on this campus. But i guess no one will ever know. The only reason why i smoke is because i have nothing better to do, nothing to fill this void in my life right now. If i had somewhere to go, or something to do then why would i need pot. Besides i get quite when i smoke and i really dislike it now. But we'll see how far this goes before i notice that its just like the weight issue and really means nothing.
Im glad i wrote this, i really wasnt going to because i dont need to burden others with my problems...they're mine not yours and im not expecting others to take sympathy or pity on my just understand that i cant make everyone laugh every moment of the day. I sometimes need my days of tears and fears. Ok, you all win now...its time for dereks moments of fame summer 2005...strap in fuckers!

So school ended and shit hit the fan at home so i decided to spend all the money i was supposed to save for school this semester on staying at a little place near campus called "THE FUNNEL". It was fucking amazing just like being back on those jungle gyms and playing kickball during fifth grade recess. I ruled at kickball and you know it shookes. I had the time of my life every fucking night and made so many new friends and even got my foot in the door of the Sigma Pi fraternity...yet unfortunately I am unable to pledge said frat because of work and school obligations. Every night was filled with drinking and debotchury (not spelt correctly). Examples include...fighting every member of the household over such things as rodeo cheese burgers, 40z of steel reserve, pure bordemness, mosse quotes, and other meaningless ideals and matters.
I went to a couple shows during the summer...including Oasis, ozzfest, and two 311 shows. Oasis was awesome for the part i do remember...that being the drunken fest in the parking lot since i passed out in my seat only to revive for the last two songs and having the girls next to me thank me for finally waking up. They were hot! Ozzfest was on my birthday and it included as much jagermeister as one man can handle, moshing until i almost broke my arm and smoking blunts inbetween each act on the main stage. Finally, 3 fucking 11 was fucking amazing...can i get a moment of silence....(insert moment here)...the show at tweeter was life changing and i will never forget how they played "Use of Time". Then two days later we went to a 311 show in New Jersey because me, duffy, felipe, and long are hardcore fans. I drove, why i dont know, and we got there and drank a shit load of rum and got lost going there. I was front row and they played "hive" which kicked ass too. I yelled at all the leaving New jerseyians because their state sucks and smells at the same time. We found a white castle on the ride home and I got a coors light from some indian dude and it ruled. Then the fun part...I got pulled over on the ride home for taking a U-turn on a main highway...not only that i got sobriety tested and FUCKING PASSED! Ya, im kinda the man in a you stupid drunk kinda way. My boss bought me a keg on my birthday and it ended up being tossed around on the front lawn...while i was passed out on it. Duffy streaked and I puked on carpets. Buckley brought over hot girls and felipe taught me the art of bottle top flicking. O'leary drank and got naked (way too much) and long finally got a job. This summer taught me a whole lot of shit...of which I forgot the very next day. There was kiddy pools and stolen benchs from the tennis courts, scorpion bowls and thirty racks of keystone light. Enough marijuana to put us all away for a long time. Trips to bogarts that ended in me blacking out and stealing shirts from the lost and found while slapping people and requesting drinks. Funnel fight club came and went, I still have a scar on my leg from that god damn heater....fucking nee! Enough memories to fill the ocean, yet i crave more.
Well im spent for tonight, i think i typed myself retarded. I hope that everyone reads this with an open mind and realizes that life should be lived to fullest...you only get one! "You should do what you like and like what you do". I promise i will write again soon. I would also just like to thank everyone that has ever come into contact with me and/or changed my life in any way...with out you all I would not be the person that I am today. I am forever indebt to you all. Except tommy twoshoes...hes a fucking burnbag!

Laughter in a room full of shadows

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 06:13:19 GMT

Well, Im back by popular demand. It seems some people out there actually read this shit. Im like the tabloids of the livejournal industry...the motherfuckin underdog. But, back to business...my life...the one and only. Well, lots was said about my last entry...and that is where that will end. So lets get right down to it...

So my love life. Remember in middle school when we had recess and we could climb on the junglejim and play kickball, its like the complete opposite of that. A rollercoaster and a broken seat belt. You know there have been a couple people in my life since my ex and each one has given me somekind of knowledge about life and have left some kind of imprint in my life. I cant thank you each enough, but it just seems that fate did not have anything in store for us.

Everyone wonders about this character that ive been spending time with since about winter break. The one that captured my heart. Fucked up actually, no seriously, but not in a bad way...in a wow i cant believe what just happened kind of way. Cara is everything wrong for me, but i like her anyways. We arent really similar...i actually just noticed this. But, its her quarks that make me smile. Im sad that she dosent know what she wants in life cause, honestly, im the best thing for her. But i guess being single is the "in" thing to do in college, so party on wayne, party on garth.

I want a woman. Not a girl. I want someone who knows how to treat a guy. Knows how to make him smile without even looking in his direction. I walk around campus each and every day noticing couples and realizing that ive been single for a while and i miss that "caring" feeling. I know people are worried about my habits, although im not quite sure why, but it makes me feel good...its kinda like a half-assed version of the feeling that i truely want. I smoke cause i have no reason not to, its what i know. I didnt smoke all of winter break becaues i was absorbed by something else. She became my reason to smile. But i suppose i should have taken everyones advice and stayed away. I guess it hurt a little because only one person said that it would be worth it to give her a chance...and not judge her based on her past. Its the present you need to work on. So i did, and everyone who said that shes bad news, congrats, you have won a fine battle. But i need the experience. I continue to see her everynow and then to get my fix, and crawl back to hole i came from.

On another similar, depressing, side note my step mom has been in the hospital for the last week cause the pre-chemo medicine has made her really sick. It kinda sucks being away from home sometimes because your out of the loop. I try to cry sometimes but nothing comes out, like im supposed to just be ok with it and understand that, yah everything will prolly be alright, but it isnt now and thats fucked up. Also, my brother got out of rehab, again, and is now at home but going back 3 nights a week for meetings or some shit like that...hey 2 out of 5 people fucked up isnt too bad. Sometimes that feeling, you know the "I feel like im gunna hurl" feeling comes back and i just wanna leave. There's so much going on here that i just sometimes feel like leaving. Going somewhere and starting over, psychology isnt interesting me much anymore and i guess im just wondering where my life is going. The thought of California has crossed my mind, but its only a thought....

Thats it for now, im beat, until the next exciting episode.....peace kids

Tears for the Blind at Heart

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:22:24 GMT

What makes the difference between emotions and feelings. I know that some people think that these two are the same thing, but to me they are completely different. Its like love and passion, these are two different things on their own. I love certain things in life, but im passionate about others. Passion involves feelings, not emotions...emotions can be changed with the wind whereas passion will always be the same. I am passionate about music and nothing will change that. I will always be the kid that dances and headbangs to his music religiously. But what defines the line between emotions and feelings. I have no clue. I sometimes feel emotions about people or ideas, but they can change with time, or how well you get to know someone or something. Feelings are present no matter what you are doing or where you are. Like smiling for no reason because you thought of something or someone.
I have written livejournals about three or four times before this, but deleted it everytime because i am afriad of the consequences of putting this out there for anyone to read. I am like the math book that no one wants to open, but once you understand the equation, you can feel free to open it up whenever you like. This time i am going to write exactly whats on my mind cause theres only one person that I care to open up to because i know she wont judge me or think wrongly of me....she goes by the name of shruti, or as i like to call her...shruts. I miss her and shes gone for about 3 more weeks and i need her right now because i have no one. I have no one to ask me whats wrong, but mean it and not just ask because they think its the right thing to do. So today my livejournal will be shruti minus the girlish figure.

I went home on saturday to type legal crap for my dad and came home with news that still shakes me. My step-mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer. You never know how much someone means to you until they can be taken away. I dont know if its myself that has the feelings that bring me to tears, or if i am crying for my father. The one man that was never there for me growing up, now has the biggest impact on my life today. My family is not known for being emotional or showing emotion when it comes to certain things. My father has always told me that crying solves nothing...but sometimes it just feels good...necessary to move on. I havent cryed many times in my life, i can think of about 5 times where ive cried that dosent involve being physically hurt. But when my dad told me that mary had breast cancer he was practically in tears and that my friends is a first. So today i cry for my dad because mary is all he has, she is his reason for getting up in the morning...his sunshine and he still deserves her despite the shit that we have been through between me and him. So i ask that everyone just prey that this cancer dosent spread and they catch it in time. Im not asking for your pity or words of wisdom, thats bullshit, im asking you to understand when you see me that sometimes i cannot shine everyday.
I think i have feelings for someone, names will not be given nor any clues because i dont need my ex going to another girl i have feelings for and ruining shit again. It has moved from emotions to feelings and that scares me...ligitamitly. I think about her night and day, but i know in my heart of hearts that we are not made to be together. My head says to give her a chance, but my heart reminds me that reality is a bitch. Ive been taught in my upbringing that i was never made to be with someone of exquisit beauty. I was the fat, stoner, video game playing loser in high school and i dont deserve much better. Ive tried my best to understand why society deems this reasonable to teach kids as they grow up that certain people are "out of your league", but i do know this...i belive that i would be the best thing for her and likewise for me. Many people have givin me reasons pro and con about this, but everytime i come across a naysayer i always have a reason to smile.
I got a chance to talk to a few people, like really talk, and it helped. I got to talk to Raf and Ian and they opened my eyes to alot of stuff. Raf says i need to be more confident in myself and not look at myself as the ex-fat kid because i have a lot more to offer. I understand why he tells me this, but he dosent know what its like to be the fat kid. Theres no self-esteem that comes along with that upbringing. So now i have to make my self-esteem as i go along, through the thick and the thin. I realized that next semester i am not going to "impress" people as much because that gets you no where. Ian helped me realize this by bringing to my attention my need to go out and do things with people. To me an outing with someone is different than a date. A date has pressure behind it, where as an outing just implies doing something together. I am sorry to any individual that has gone out and done something with me in the past 2 months that was offended by my generosity. I have no one to call my own, so therefore i have no reason to hold back when it comes to going out with people. I enjoy eating out, i enjoy the movies and trips to walmart, so fucking sue me. All i ask for is some company, some good company and not much else. I wish if there was a problem with this that one would bring it to my attention. But next semester i will not try anything and will cool my need for doing things. I hope you will all accept my appology in time. Thank you to Ian and Raf, thank you greatly.
So i have decided that i am going to try to not flirt or hang around with this person as much as possible because it only hurts when i see her now. I dare not tell her how i feel because i wish to not ruin our relationship as friends because shes a blast to be around. So instead i will take the coward way out because that is all i know how to do. So to this person i bid you a great life, because you deserve it and i only hope that the abercrombie & fitch wearing douchebag that you end up with treats you like the princess you are. As for me, i will continue my journey of trying to fit into the puzzle that is my life.

I am going to do something that goes against everything i stand for, but i feel the need to expose it. The other night i went to cumbies with tony, not knowing he was meeting up with olga...my ex. Lets talk about akwardness shall we. The distance between myself and my closet is how close we stood from each other that night and i couldnt even look her in the eyes. I couldnt even be civil to her with a hello, or a wave or some bullshit thing that means nothing to us anymore. You wonder why i felt this way, when she supposedly is over it after a fucking year of hell. Heres my reason, this was written in her live journal last march after spring break:
I wish i could have a magic potion that makes me forget all the past hurt. I wonder why it is so fucking easy for him to move on but then i realize two things: 1)He is a junkie and junkies are masters of memory loss and 2) he wasnt hurt. To him, our relationship was... an adventure. I cant blame him. Broken home, psychotic parents, troubled brother... tough life. But I still wonder if late at night, he goes through his actions and wonders if what he did was right?
I still to this day have no clue why she had a vendetta against me, but i dont want to know either because im sure its stupid. So because of this, the things that i told her in confidence, when we were together and she was my reason to get up in the morning, i chose not to acknowledge her that night and stand behind my convictions. Im sorry but this is the way i feel.

I have also decided to quit drugs, not alcohol, for winter break. I have my reasons and i have my inspirations for doing so...none shall be mentioned, but i think i need to start cooling my engines for the rest of my college career...when it applies to weed. Booze is another story...bring on the 30's, bring on the behruit, and bring on the hangovers. I need to save money over break, you know to spend on the someone i dont have. These are the reasons for my anti-smiling campaign i have been running lately and i know its just a passing phase, as always, but its also christmas time and the void just gets bigger. For now i must study for finals to show everyone that doubts my ability to equalize fun and school that i can do it and do it well. One A so far and more to come, so everyone enjoy the holidays and let me know what you are doing for New Years Eve because were trying to throw a party here in BWater, but we need to know whos up for it. Also, call me over break if your bored. I will be working alot but i am sure i can squeeze each and every one of you into my scheduale.

Anyone who reads this, dont take it personally...emotions will change over time...remember that.
P.S. - get the Maroon 5 cd, its fucking awesome!

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 07:31:19 GMT

I realize many things on this clear, frigid night. I haven't started my paper yet, its not due till tuesday so im not worried. So instead I smoked pot cause thats what all the cool people do. No, i smoked this time for a real reason, yes there is a real reason to smoke. I find that in times of need, one must mistreat his body to experience a greater high. So i smoke a couple nicely packed bowls and found myself walking to cumbies around midnight listening to the sounds of armor for sleep and cracking a smile about as wide as the grand canyon. I got to thinking about many things in life, that leave little ones like me puzzled. I got to talk to a friend today and listen to thier problems in life, much as im am used to doing only without the instant messanger as a drawback. We chatted about relationships, and even though my advise is sometimes misleading, i got to hear about anothers pains. It made me realize how thankful i am for everything thats around me. Someday i will find myself on that plain of existence where reality and fantasy meet and i can be found laughing amoung the gods. Until that person, sheds that light upon my damp dark world i can only hope that lady fate isnt using loaded dice.

I find that being generous all the time has its flaws. It is what i am used to, it is what i know. For some reason people think having manners is a bonus, what has our society come to when one wont hold the door for a lady. I think about everything I have to offer to another of the opposite sex and sometimes i think that I should set an example for the rest of my gender. Lead them into victory for a battle already considered a loss. All i ever hear is about how i use everyday manners in a way that makes people think the best of me. Well im sick of it, fuckin A man, where have all the gentlemen gone. Im sick of hearing about how anothers love life sucks because some asshole they met at a bar screwed them over. The day that one is based on personality and not looks is the day i quit weed before college is over...cause im done when that happens no matter what. Seriously, some girls need to see whats right in front of them and realize that not all guys are douches. I know im not the best looking guy, but im trying i try to go to the gym but everytime something goes wrong or no one is around so i give up...like the quitter i am. I long for that feeling i once had, that feeling you get like when ur foot falls asleep, I want that feeling again. I am happy for others, especially a certain few, that they are happy in a relationship. But sometimes i just wanna cry cause i dont have someone to call when i leave work or say good morning to when i get up. The person to hug when im sad or run to when im glad. I have music, the only thing in this world that hasnt judged me or labeled me.

I thought about the last time i had this feeling of numbness through out my body. I remember staring at the stars tonight and wondering where i would be if i had not met everyone i have so far. I am thankful to you all for influencing the maturity that is derek savage. I will keep a small part of you within me at all times. Especailly small if were talking about Ian. SORRY. A lot has happened to me over this semester, i have gained a lot of knowledge and found out a lot about myself. I realize that life is worth the memories and sometimes not the moments. I believe that i need to slow my pace at which i am running this marathon we call life. Your scent runs through me like the ocean breeze.

Here are my shoes, try them on.....

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 19:36:49 GMT

I would like to appologize to the few people that read this stuff regularly, I have been quite the busy since lately and have much to talk about....if i can remember it all. I also appologize to everyone that hasn't seen me lately, cause i work more than anyone else i know...nothings changed. So, lets dive right in and find out what makes derek tick...

First off I would just like to give and shout out and a thank you to every beautiful girl on this campus that makes me love my day. You lovely ladies are the only reasons that i wake up in the morning. No reason to mention names, its just a general idea cause i dont need any rumors started. But there is one specific lady that has my attention and i cant stop smiling when i think of her. If exibit was here he would have to say "you have been officially pimped"...mmmmmm pimped.

Next classes are going well, im passing as of right now and well on my way to make deans list. Though it does seem kinda pointless to go for deans list now cause the person that was my inspiration for it has kinda fell of the map...so to speak. Sucks balls, let me tell you. I miss talking to said person because she had some of the brightest blue eyes ive ever seen, oh yeah and the convo, the convo was good. Happy Birthday by the way, or Happy Halloween which ever one you prefer.

Just so everyone knows, not that most care, but my brother is doing quite well. Hes been completely sober and passed his drug test. He also has a girlfriend now, so i guess he keeps himself busy...which is good cause he needs it. Family is doing well too.

Thats it for now, ill update later...i gotta run to work....GO MOTHERFUCKING SOX! I cant wait to burn shit! Peace kids.

Another day posing as the life of Derek Savage

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 15:21:56 GMT

Ive been catching myself staring off the last couple of days. Its kinda wierd, but ive been looking at this picture i have of our old-school halo group...actually the last picture of the last halo game of last semester and it hurts. Shit has gone sour as of lately, but i try to keep my head up. Cause i guess everyone looks at me to keep life...happy...which is a tremendous pressure. Ya, i know i can make people smile but sometimes i just wanna have someone make me smile...and that my friends is a rarity. There, thats my venting for now.

So i started working at Burlington Coat Factory again, because i have no self-esteem. Its cool they leave me alone in the back room and i get to work with ian...a great man mind you. I work just about everyday of the week now, so if you dont see me around as much as you did its because i have my priorities straight. Plus i need the money to fund my bad habits...

Speaking of bad habits, yyyeeaaahhh i dont really care for weed anymore. Im not going to stop cold turkey cause i tried that before and it sucked, and this time im quiting for the right reasons...for my reasons. This time it has nothing to do with a girl, like the two times before...this time its because evertime i smoke, i eat....everything...and that doesnt help my goal of having a nice looking body. I want to be jacked, so im going to slowly try to replace weed with the gym. Who knows if it will work, but im destined to try because im sick of being fat.

A place of worship:

A tear and a handshake;
his life has passed him by;
the future is a canvas;
his life a pencil with no eraser;
living because he cannot die;
but not walking in his own shoes;
he enters the realm of the unknown;
strangers become his only reason to breathe;
and his friends choke the life out of him....
(more to come)

So as for the romantic part of my life...ya there will be none. Ive decided, due to reasons beyond my control, that i will become a hermit for the rest of my college existence. Its ok, ive learned to deal with it, and it will keep people off my back as well. Ive screwed up three times now and there was no charm, i have no luck with women. If you have any helpful comments please feel free to leave them cause i need all the help i can get.

Other than that im great, families supposedly great...not psychotic and I LOVE COLLEGE! I'll see everyone around campus i promise and dont be shy to yell or hit me cause sometimes i dont notice shit! Peace kids.

The Screams which no one can hear

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 15:55:16 GMT

So just as promised, i am going to update my livejournal as much as possible because, honestly, i guess my life is the place to be as of lately. So well start off where i left off...I ask that all seats please be returned to their upright and locked position, as with all tray tables and the captain asks that all passengers please return to their seats and stay buckled for the remainder of this live journal entry because we have turbulence on the horizon...thank you!

So at the beginning of the semester I lost a dear friend for reasons of which i had not really known. I wasnt sure if she wanted to talk to me, like ever again, but i figured i would atleast be civil and say hi and ask how classes were going. She responded which made me the happiest person, and we decided to talk. We worked most of our differences out and pretty much both agreed that we cannot not be friends, trust me its a travisty to all human kind.

Then I needed to talk to Trish because everything just got a little weird after last monday. We came to the conclusion that neither of us want a relationship right now because neither of us are ready, but we did decide that we like each others company and will continue to go adventuring. That also made me extremely filled with joy because Trish is a great person, but more than half of the campus already knows that...im just a little slow.

I also got the SSO job, which is cool, but im a reserve so who knows when ill start, but i need to go to the hill and do my training hours and find my social security card so it might be a while. But ill try.

So Tom and I decided to break our 1 month rule for one night and we decided to smoke pot the other night for our first real time in a couple weeks...and let me tell u....OH MAN!...i didnt really enjoy it. I was so high that i could barely move (which would normally be good, but it wasnt that night) and i didnt really enjoy it and im really thinking about quitting for good. Ill keep you informed of that one as time goes by.

I gotta run to class....ya'll keep it real! Peace kids

What a day....

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 15:10:56 GMT

So i was going to update my livejournal last night, on Dave's 21st (happy birthday kid), but i decided that was a bad idea cause i was kinda drunk and lots of stuff had happened that had brought out emotions in me that i had not feel in a really long time. So it being the morning and im all sunshine and happiness, i figure i could do it now in between classes. So here goes....

I found out that my ex-girlfriend, Olga, had spoken to an interest of mine, Trish..im not going to hide names now, cause it is just pointless. Who knows what was said cause its really none of my business. But unfortunately everything Olga said was probably correct..i was immature at the time and it was my first real relationship where i was madly in love with the person, what can i say...i fucked up...royally. Who knows if Trish will believe Olga and take Jess's way out and run, but I do know this..i am a different person than i was a year ago because of what Olga tought me from the experience of going out with her. I can't do anything but thank you for this. I still to this day have no idea why you cannot be civil with me, or why Jess cannot be civil to me. I guess you could start an I HATE DEREK SAVAGE FAN CLUB if u wanted. Just promise you will send the the weekly newsletter. Cause a part of me feels that i deserve to know why you hate me so, because the only thing i wanted from our parting was to be friends because you meant so much to me...but now i know that this will not be possible and i will deal with it.

As for Trish, i dont know what she wants right now, but i would like to remain friends, if not more than that, with her...shes great! Whatever happens, happens and life will go on. You see its all about putting things in perspective and looking at the positive side of everything. Thank you to everyone that dosen't judge me based on a relationship i had almost a year ago..it does mean so much to me. If it weren't for friends what would be the point of living.

Im out for now, ill be back soon enough...trust me!

"There's a piece of you thats here with me
Its everywhere I go its everything I see
When I sleep I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that your here tonight" ~ Yellowcard

The long road to nowhere

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 14:12:00 GMT

I can't believe how long it has been since i have updated my lj. Not that anyone really cares but i guess i could write a little bit. My life is great and i only hope that everyone else is having as much fun as me. Since the last time i updated was back in July I have a shit load to chat about. I will try to go in chronological order here so stay with me.

I worked all summer at my construction job, it was great and i actually gained a lot of valuable knowledge about tools and junk, as well as lost a shit load of weight...almost 75 pounds so far...and damn proud of it.

Like i was saying before I tripped on mushrooms during the summer and had an epiphony about my life. I realized that i am a 21 year old kid trying to live an 18 year old kids life because all my friends back home are either 18 or 19 and I cannot do that anyone. I have responsibilities to live up to now...and im going to start to do that. Also remember that someone should love you for who you are not who you can become...

Then in the middle of August i went to see the LostProphets and then i went to see Blindside, both bands from out of the US, and they both kicked ass. I can also get into the Avalon and Axis for free now, so if anyone wants to go sometime let me know cause when i put on my red pants, i like to dance!

Then school finally started up and let me tell you its good to be back. I miss campus life and seeing everyone. Ive met so many new friends and classes are fun, especially cause two of them are about drugs and criminal behaviors which are just fun to learn about. Now i need to find a job, hopefully the SSO job will work out, its either that or Burlington Coat Factory again...but it wouldn't be that bad cause chuck and ian are working there again.

So the family dilemma of the summer would have to be when my brother put himself in rehab. Though i dont really like to talk about it, ill give ya the short version. He was drunk and decided to rob cars of lighters and one kid found him doing it and chased him down the street and kicked his face in. He's now currently missing a tooth and was banged up pretty bad. Although i have had my past instances with Tyler, hes family and YOU DONT FUCK WITH FAMILY! So hopefully the parole he got with random drug testing will keep him at bay for now cause it hurts to see him go through this...fuck...gimme a sec...

Ya know its hard enough just being around to see him doing this to himself, but to know that your the one that got him started down this path...just sucks. I know that he prolly would have gotten into this shit one way or another but in reality it was by me and i will have to live with that. I just couldn't even look at him in rehab with his mouth all sown up and shit. I dont like to think about it but i guess i can narrow it down to this...i am the only person on the face of this earth that is allowed to beat up my brother and when someone else does it...that shit aint cool.

Now the best for last. The shruster decided to allow me to come to an OL party at the beginning of the summer and there i met someone who has made an impression on me. Names dont need to be said cause she knows who she is. But lets say that my whole game plan of lets not get involved in a relationship for the first semester is kinda going down the tubes. Shes pretty much everything ive been looking for in a beautiful woman and its kinda scary. So we will just have to see where this all goes, but shes the kind of thought that just puts a smile on your face. Ya know that kind of smile that you dont know where it came from but your glad its there.

Thats it for now, i will update more often if people actually read this. So let me know what you think...Peace kids

Its been a while....

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 03:26:07 GMT

"I wake up, I get fucked up and I get even. Approach you from the front, but in your back a knife im leaving"

(insert cliche haven't updated statement here). Much has gone on since i last updated, well i had my birthday...im officially 21 and the main liquor store of Marshfield has felt my wrath more than once. ITS FUN! Wow, i have a lot to talk about...but ill just go in chronological order.

I had my birthday, bought my booze and drank my weight in beer...literally. It was awesome and thanx meghan for the blankets and load of pillows. The following friday I tripped sac (ate mushrooms) and had a six hour long talk with my buddy Matt. It was intense but also opened up my eyes to a lot of whats going on right now in my life. Oh and colors were great too....god bless the color orange. After tripping i realized that i need to make a few changes in my life because of where i am right now. But it also helped me notice that i take a lot of things for granted and wish to change that right away. If you want to know just ask cause i can talk for hours on end...just ask the shruster!

I have also decided that i am ending a relationship this summer which is also taking a big part of my life with it, I can only hope that i have the willpower and courage to make the right decisions...thank you.

Texture so soft, moist to the touch
I used those three words, but they didnt mean much
Unsure if this is right or not
Allowing myself to cheat, afraid to get caught
Your taste, Your scent
One kiss from you and Im spent
You fill me with hope
You help me to cope
But all of that has to change
Your presence evokes those five little words:
I DONT NEED YOU ANYMORE

~its a work in progress, but you get the idea

"Even in our darkest hour...we all fall...for one...thats you" ~ nick

Bullshit...and then some!

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 02:19:48 GMT

"I don't know where to go, I don't know what to be. I don't know how to change from being me. I don't know what to say, maybe another day. I'm stuck and I'm lost, can't find my way home. All I know is gone"

So i know i promised that i would make my journal funny and all but i have some serious shit to get off my chest also. First the funny stuff cause the serious shit sucks.

So i was at work today and my buddy Joe rolls up and locks the windows, so i look at him and he asks me if i taste anything funny, and thats when the smell hit...i swear to god i passed out for a good five minutes before sticking my head out of the rear little window of his truck.
Next, I guess my buddy Fro (mike) has officially closed down the sodomy room for good, though eliot and i made a valient effort to keep it open...our campaign being that it should be open 25/7 cause there arent enough hours in the day to commit sodomy...it was closed and the sheep were let go...kinda.

I realized the other day that the seats in my jeep go all the way back to a lying down position, so i just parked at the seawall the other day, reclined my seat and listened to the new lost prophets cd...it was actually great.

"Surprise Scream your heart out. In time u will have doubt.
Today it all seemed too strong. If only u tried u would move on"

I gave my bong away to bobby...he loved it but i guess he cut it down cause the bingers were too much to handle (cough pansy cough), but its cool. I also gave nick my glass piece cause hes never had one before and he loved it. See i told you i would give away my nalia without putting up a fight..I just might not be a drugy with memory problems after all!

Now for the serious shit....
(I appologize to anyone that this dosent concern cause you prolly wont understand it that much)

So it seems that certain people have begun to bond...or as i like to call it...fuck up my life somemore. First things first...to the someone that thinks i never cared for them...your wrong...i did...im sorry if i dont make all my personal business public, but i dont especially with my ex's. Oh and you just became another face in the crowd of people who judge one without getting both sides of the story. Oh and thank you too for putting these ideas in her head! Dont worry it was just an adventure!
Next lets move on to patt munch, you should have seen the signs...you had me! but now you lost me...if only you were a little older and a little more mature you would have seen that and maybe you had no intentions of doing anything, but i think you did and now...im back to second guessing. You should have taken the drumstick!

The world is a prison, and life is a sentence.

About time....

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 05:10:45 GMT

"Yes i feel emphatic about not being static, and not buying philosophies that are sold to me."

It is about time that I stand up and say something about these online live journals that have spread like vinarial disease at t-money's mothers house on a friday night. I love most of them, they keep me laughing and somewhat freightened for the rest of the day, yet some people find that they must express their every opinion on these unholy things. Well, sorry folks but mine is strickly for amusement...few opinions but def. no bad mouthing...im sorry i wont sink to the level of which i would allow everyone to read my most private thoughts about another individual. I guess I have...morals?!

"How do you do it, you make me feel like I do?"

Its been a while (insert staind quote here) since i have updated so lets get right down to it. Its '04 and im in pretty good shape, no longer round that is. I got slammed on a live journal and now everyone knows my problems...thanks...seriously (slap!) I passed all my classes and met some of the most interesting people ever, and of which i will never forget. Let's see i got a '98 jeep grand cherokee which does the opposite of sucking and i work 6 days a week so i kicked the drug habit...holy shit im on a role...look out baby daddy needs a new pair of shoes! Got an xbox, dont play it very much but it accents the room nicely.

I cant wait to go back to school, i know its only july (one week till i turn 21!) but i wanna go back cause i miss everyone dearly...especially the women...oh god the women. Oh according to one (special) lady im supposed to be an abortion...ha...ya....NO! I guess i know whos the bigger person in that relationship. So i totally got rid of my bong and bowl just to prove to everyone that i quit the wacky tabacky. I just drink now...oh boy do i drink!

SO TO THAT ONE PERSON THAT MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY, I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! ~the coolest girl ever (sam)

p.s.- there is actually a high mood on the mood selection!

Another day in the void that is my life...

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 05:18:13 GMT

Today was a long ass day. I woke up really late cause i slept through my first class at 9. Why you ask? Well its becaues I was watching mallrats and van wilder until the wee hours of the night, but did i care? HELL NO! The company was about the best iv'e had in a long time, names aren't needed, they know who they are! So i woke up....streched, cried, and got dressed.

COHEED AND CAMBRIA...March 29, 2004 at LUPO's...I got an extra tix if ur of the opposite sex and like that band...hit me up!

I went to the other 3 classes during the day and wanted to hang myself...but realized that wouldn't kick ass so i didn't. Then from art class i practically ran to work, which lasted only 4 hours and it went by so fast. I listened to incubus and thursday over and over...it was great.

Im a BAMF...no not a Boy And Man Friend, but a Bad Ass Mother Fucker!..according to craig.

Played some basketball, like we do every night...my game was fair...made some missed some, but i looked damn good doing it. Deftones kick ass!

P.S. - sometimes i wake up to tony sleeping in my bed, its surprising but reasurring at the same time.

Actually a fun weekend....

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 03:10:52 GMT

funny story behind that...this one time in viet (i know only a few will get that). But I have actually been sitting here thinking on what to write for my first ever entry. As, hoobastank just parades my brain with the onslaught of melodic goodness, i just thought i would start it like that.

lets start from the beginning...

Thursday night was the Funnest night in a long time, even though it started late. I drank way too much and ruined it...again...but everyone else seemed to have fun, that is until friday morning when i felt like "shee-it", the only thing keeping my head up was the sobe bottle..literally. Class was fine, made my speech my personal biatch and then just sat through psych like crack fiend going through withdrawals. That night we decided to go get ice cream, jim dandy enough said and go to Eurotrip, which was fun, but i enjoyed the company better...company is what makes the world go round.

Saturday was awesome, i woke up early for my first day at work which was like a petifile in a daycare....not sure about that one....it was easy and i got to listen to lost prophets all day. Came home and ate dinner followed by snatch. Ya, the movie unfortunately...once again good company cant complain. GREAT MOVIE!

Sunday i woke up early and typed legal bullshit for my pops, fun fun, but found out interesting shit about my family while i have been gone (ask and i might tell). Then went to BLUE MAN GROUP with tony....fuckin blast period. Then came home and rested. No bball all weekend and i think thats a good thing. So i will close with this..pinneapple and bacon pizza is the shiz-nito-bam-snip-snap-sack!